Mom had another fall at her birthday party.  Fortunately, you were there. But next time she might not be so lucky.  The good news is this time Mom didn’t dismiss the idea of possibly making a change. The bad news is that you and your siblings are in disagreement over mom’s care.

First and foremost, try to understand and abide by Mom’s concerns and wishes. Caring for an aged parent can be a challenging and emotional journey, and her support of various care options makes a huge difference. This is a time when families should ideally come together to support their loved one, yet it often comes with its own set of complications. In the face of such responsibility, sibling relationships can be put to the test, and disagreements can ensue on how to care for her. Here we explore common reasons siblings may not agree on caring for their aged mother and some advice on how to navigate these challenging situations.

No Consensus on the Amount and Type of Help Mom Needs

Siblings may have different understandings and opinions on the severity of their mother’s condition and what kind of care is most appropriate. This is especially common when one of more of the siblings has been relatively uninvolved, either by choice or due to living farther away.

Solution: Encourage a thorough assessment of your mother’s needs. What do her doctors feel is needed? Does she have a geriatric care manager through her local Office on Aging? (links below) They have likely assessed her situation and needs and could offer their experience and perspective on care options. It is important to establish a clear understanding of her requirements. Share those findings. Open and honest communication is key.

Different Attitudes and Beliefs Regarding Care Options

One sister wants her mom to be able to stay in her home, the other sister believes assisted living is needed, and their brother thinks it’s time for a nursing home. From personal experiences to stories they’ve heard; siblings may hold different beliefs about the best care option for mom.

Solution: Knowledge is needed to make informed decisions. Supplement any personal experiences with research into care options. Ambiguity and misconceptions can be replaced with facts. Allow adequate time for everything to sink in and any additional research. Paint a picture of what life looks like for your mom as well as for each of you to better envision the options. Do your best to appreciate each sibling’s perspective and try to find common ground while respecting mom’s preferences.

Sibling Rivalry Resurfaces

Past conflicts and unresolved issues can exacerbate disagreements. Also, past negative attitudes towards the elderly parent, such as the belief that one child was favored over another, may resurface.

Solution: It’s essential to address these underlying conflicts, possibly through family therapy or counseling. The focus should be on your mother’s well-being, not past rivalries.

Differing Attitudes Regarding Responsibility For, and Interest In, Mom’s Care

Siblings may differ in their willingness to take on caregiving responsibilities and may have varying levels of interest in participating in their mother’s care.

Solution: Identify everybody’s goals. Knowing what’s important will help each of you better understand the others’ perspectives. Have an open conversation about each sibling’s capacity and willingness to contribute. Acknowledge that not everyone can be equally involved, but everyone can still play a valuable role.

Disagreement over Roles and Requirements

Siblings may disagree on individual roles and requirements when it comes to caring for their mother, leading to confusion and conflict.

Adult son vacuuming for elderly mother with broken arm

Establish each sibling’s roles and responsibilities for care

Solution: Establish clear roles and responsibilities for each sibling, based on their strengths and availability. Reassess and adjust these roles as circumstances change. Hiring a professional Caregiver can help lessen the burden on, and possible resentment from, family Caregivers.

Disagreements Over Decision-Making

Disagreements about how decisions are made and who has the final say can lead to conflicts.

Solution: If mother appointed a Healthcare Power of Attorney, that person is charged with carrying out her healthcare directives. She may also have appointed a General Power of Attorney, responsible (among other things) for overseeing her finances. Establish a decision-making process and ensure all siblings have a voice in important matters.

Differing Resources (Time and Money)

Disagreements can also arise from differences in the amount of time and money each sibling can contribute to their mother’s care.

Solution: Create a financial and caregiving plan that considers each sibling’s resources. This may involve seeking financial assistance or exploring community resources. Also, It is not uncommon for adult children to be compensated for the care they provide. In fact, some government programs that pay for in-home care permit care agencies to hire adult children to care for their elderly parents.

Mom’s Financial Situation

Financial factors can cloud the picture in care discussions. If their mother lacks financial resources, the children may need to contribute, which can lead to disputes. On the other hand, if she has sufficient financial resources, concerns about possible reductions in inheritance may arise.

Solution: Have an open and transparent conversation about finances. Consider creating a shared caregiving fund or exploring financial planning options that protect your mother’s assets while ensuring her care.

Still Can’t Agree?

Perhaps a family counselor, therapist, or pastor can help direct the conversation, acting as a mediator. Remember, this is about Mom. It isn’t about winning an argument. By keeping the focus on what’s best for Mom and achieving consensus, each of you “wins” and so does Mom, in getting the care she needs!

 

Disagreement over Mom’s care can be overcome. With open communication, empathy, and a willingness to compromise, siblings can work together to make the best decisions for their mother’s well-being. Remember that the focus should always be on providing the highest quality of care for your aging loved one, and finding common ground among siblings is a crucial step in achieving this goal. If Mom wants to continue living in her home and in-home care is the preferred option, Sunlight Senior Care has Caregivers in Omaha and Lincoln Nebraska, as well as Caregivers in Des Moines and Council Bluffs Iowa, to care for her. Give us a call or schedule an in-home Care Assessment!